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So far Torrey Roberts has created 307 blog entries.

The Battle For A Child’s Self-Esteem | Part 4

2019-10-10T10:21:53+00:00

How Competition and Performance Impacts a Child’s Self-Esteem

We discussed earlier this week that our self-esteem is determined by answering the question of whose we are.    If that is the case we need to look at what He created us to be.  He made us human beings not human doings.  Our self worth cannot be established by what we do.  This is an important lesson to teach our children early on.

We have also spent time discussing how to help their self-esteem by communicating that our love is not attached to our child’s performance.  How do we guard them from finding their self-esteem through all of the extra curricular activities in their lives that society would deem important?  One way is to teach them the art of loosing.  We need to show them that it’s not about the win but the effort you put in.  This is such an important lesson to learn early on because if not our children will be looking for that next “win” even in adulthood.  What we do, or don’t do, doesn’t define who we are.  At the end of the day what we do needs to be left on the field.  Our gaze needs to be upward focused on the day where we can hear “Well Done” from our Heavenly Father.

 

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on your child’s self-esteem.

The Battle For A Child’s Self-Esteem | Part 4 2019-10-10T10:21:53+00:00

The Battle For A Child’s Self-Esteem | Part 3

2019-10-10T10:20:26+00:00

How Discipline Compliments Self-Esteem

How does discipline affect self-esteem?  It seems that many today would think that disciplining a child would hurt their self-esteem, which is why we have so many homes with so little rules.  In fact the opposite is true.  When a child has no consistent boundaries placed around them they feel very insecure.  Just like a fish that has been taken out of the safe boundary of the water they thrive in.

How we discipline our children is the key to this.  We must have a consistent plan in place for discipline because when we do not we become the consequence.   We also must be very careful not to remove our relationship as we discipline.   Which means no yelling or constant lecturing.   Be intentional to restore relationship as part of the discipline process.  Say something like this, “I’m so sorry that you have chosen to go to bed early tonight because of your attitude earlier.  It makes me sad that you chose to go to bed because I was looking forward to spending time with you.  I love you very much, which is why we are working on this area. “  Calmly explain the reason for the consequence and reaffirm our love for the child.  This way when we are consistent with our discipline the child can make the connection that they chose the consequence because of their behavior, it is not that we are mad at them or love them less today.

 

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on your child’s self-esteem.

 

The Battle For A Child’s Self-Esteem | Part 3 2019-10-10T10:20:26+00:00

The Battle For A Child’s Self-Esteem | Part 2

2019-10-10T10:26:17+00:00

Where does Self-Esteem Begin in a Child’s Development Process?

When does our child’s self-esteem begin to be built? It actually begins at birth with the mother/child bonding.  Through the bonding experience of those early days and months we are communicating love and security.  A child cannot yet comprehend the concept of God as their Father so until that time we are communicating His love through our parenting.

The thing that we need to remember is that, unlike God, we are not perfect and will make mistakes.   That is actually a relieving thought; there is no such thing as a perfect parent.  We all may have the best of intentions but we will make mistakes.  Admitting these mistakes will actually help your child through these moments. We can also use these times as a teaching tool, although mom and dad aren’t perfect their Heavenly Father is.

We can also communicate our love when our child makes a mistake.  Our child must know that we love them not how they perform.  We can create this environment by verbally communicating our love even when they have messed up or broken a rule.  We will talk more tomorrow about self-esteem and discipline.

 

Listen to today’s podcast for more insight on your child’s self-esteem

The Battle For A Child’s Self-Esteem | Part 2 2019-10-10T10:26:17+00:00

Performance Focused Parenting | Part 4

2018-11-07T11:59:02+00:00

Raising a God-Honoring Adult

We discussed yesterday about the importance of having a parenting curriculum or a plan for raising your children.  The most important thing on your list of goals for parenting is raising a God-honoring adult.  This will be the filter through which your children live out their adult lives.

We have discussed the “Four E’s” of parenting in the past but they apply to this goal as well.  The first “E” in the training process is example.  We as parents need to model what it means to be a godly adult.  This is so important for our kids to observe because it makes what they learn in church real.  When we do mess up, we need to take the time to admit it and apologize.

The next is expose.  We must expose our kids to the Bible.  Make sure that you are not too busy to take time out for family devotions.  Make exposing your children to kids their age who share their beliefs a priority.  Church and kids ministries are also important in exposing your children to learning about who God is.

The third is experience.  Help your children walk through what it means to be a Christian.  What are the choices that they need to process through the filter of being Godly?  Modesty is one of these issues as is how they treat others.  Many of these daily issues we can be there to help our kids’ process through the experience of what it means to be a Christian.

Finally is encouragement.  We need to be on the sidelines of our children’s lives cheering for the choices that they make.  More than ever it can be difficult to be a Christian in school and stand up for what you believe in.  We need to go crazy with praise when our kids make the right and some times difficult choice.

 

Performance Focused Parenting | Part 4 2018-11-07T11:59:02+00:00

Performance Focused Parenting | Part 2

2018-11-07T11:58:42+00:00

Who are we performing for?

If we are attempting to ensure that we are training our children to be human beings not “human doings” then we need to first step back and examine ourselves.  There are a couple of questions we need to answer in our own lives.  The first is, are we too busy ourselves?  Do we have unrealistic expectations for what we can accomplish?  We need to be able to model down time for our children.  Our children must be able to observe our times of quietness before God, with our spouse and times of simplicity together as family.

The second question we need to answer in our own life is, for whom are we performing?  Are we placing the pressures we feel from others on our children?  For example, our parents may be putting pressure on us for the way we parent or make us feel like our children must be involved in certain activities.  Other families around us may also add to the pressure to have our children involved in activities.  Our peers may inadvertently guilt us into pressuring our children by comparing their children to ours.  We need to remember that we serve only an Audience of One.  He is the only one who will hold us accountable for how we raise our children.  Until we as parents can shift our focus to Him we cannot hope to pass this concept on to our children.

 

Performance Focused Parenting | Part 2 2018-11-07T11:58:42+00:00

Finding the Balance of Family and Individual | Part 1

2018-08-29T10:53:27+00:00

Getting Past the “Selfie”

Today’s cultural focus is the individual. If we are not careful we can allow this to impact our parenting. We are told to value “me time” or that we “deserve” certain things, even if it is to the detriment of others. This seems to be blatantly obvious anytime we are out on the road, it’s hard to find a lot of selfless drivers. Now while it is important to celebrate each special quality that makes our children unique, the gifts and talents that God gave them, we have to find balance and help them learn to thrive in a unit. In today’s “selfie” culture we are raising a generation that if we are not conscious, will not be marriageable and employable.

I think we could all agree that we want our children to be selfless not selfish. In fact this is imperative if we are Christ followers. Christ taught us in order to lead we must serve. Philippians 2:3 tells us, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interest but each of you to the interest of the others.”

 

Finding the Balance of Family and Individual | Part 1 2018-08-29T10:53:27+00:00

Family Fun | Part 5

2018-06-22T08:27:33+00:00

Perfection vs. Fun

There is such pressure for performance and perfection in today’s culture, from how we perform at work/school to our appearance.  A great way to defuse this pressure is family fun.  Especially fun at a parent’s expense, this helps model for a child how not to take themselves to seriously.   In our house this was Dad.  Dad made sure that he rigged it so that he lost most of the games we played.  He then would make a huge show of loosing meaning that he would burst into tears or being silly throw a temper tantrum.  There were many creative ways to have us all hysterically laughing.  It seems he took it as a challenge if one of us was in a bad mood to do something ridiculous to make us laugh.  There was even several times that he “fell asleep” at the breakfast table and got oatmeal all over his face.  This was a great lesson for us in how its ok to be silly and to laugh at yourself.

 

Family Fun | Part 5 2018-06-22T08:27:33+00:00

Family Fun | Part 4

2018-06-22T08:26:45+00:00

The Value of Food Coloring

With the explosion of social media there is an overwhelming amount of information on how to have fun and create fun family memories. From blogs, like this one, to pinterest we have no excuse to not have creative family time.  We just have to make the time.

There are two types of fun that need to take place because they serve two different purposes.  The first is spontaneous fun, this is the type of fun that breaks routine. We gave an example of this unexpected fun with the story of the water balloons earlier this week.  It can even be something like having a themed dinner, picnic on the floor, dinner at the beach or the park on a weeknight, or even as simple as stopping for an ice-cream off the dollar menu to celebrate a Tuesday.

The other type of fun is scheduled fun.  This is setting aside time to have fun together as a family.  A great example of this is a family game night.  Family game night can do a lot more then just fun. It can help to teach a child how to have fun with competition and how to win/loose appropriately.

Make it a habit to have moments of spontaneous and scheduled fun at least once a week.

 

 

Family Fun | Part 4 2018-06-22T08:26:45+00:00

Family Fun | Part 3

2018-06-22T08:25:39+00:00

It Doesn’t Have to Cost Money

Today’s society has such a warped view of what fun is.  For many of us fun is wrapped around getting something new or paying someone/something to entertain us.  Many of us pay to take our children places for them to be entertained.  We need to teach our children what it means to have fun with out spending.  This doesn’t mean sitting your children down and lecturing them how when you were a child you could spend the day entertaining yourself out side with only a stick or a rock.  This means setting the example.  Play with your children, don’t just set them in front of the TV or videogame as a babysitter.

Another thing that we can do is encourage our children to develop their imagination.  Spend time reading to your children or making time for them to read.  Loose your inhibitions and spend time in the back yard pretending to fight the dragon or sailing across the ocean with your young children.  Take the time to kick/throw/ hit a ball with your older children.  Show them that fun doesn’t have to cost anything. There is also something to be said for the value of knowing how to entertain yourself and not have to be entertained.

 

 

 

Family Fun | Part 3 2018-06-22T08:25:39+00:00

Family Fun | Part 2

2018-06-22T08:24:27+00:00

It Relieves Stress

We touched on the concept of fun as a stress relieve a little bit yesterday.  It is amazing that fun can be like a mini vacation from life. It is amazing how just a few brief moments of fun can lighten the load of a stressful situation.  It also helps us as parents keep proper perspective on what truly is important.

For example, during a particularly stressful time for the girls in the residential program, meaning they were having a bad week of fighting between each other, the house mom and I decided that we needed to create a “distraction of fun”.  When the house pop left in the van to pick up the girls we spent 30 minutes filling water balloons.  Now was there other things that we could have, and probably should have, been doing with that time? Yes, but we knew that it would help the girls relationally if we could create a distraction.  We were around the corner of the house when the van pulled in and soaked them as they got out.  It is amazing what being pelted with water balloons does to build camaraderie in a group.  We were able to defuse the tension and relational stress with fun.

Try finding time for some silly fun in your house this week.

 

 

Family Fun | Part 2 2018-06-22T08:24:27+00:00